Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Just emotional right now...

So I was told that I am being "greedy" by setting up a gofundme page to have my tubes untied... I'm not asking anyone for ALL the money to have a baby. I have saved every penny. We have sold furniture, stickers, mugs, pretty much anything we can to get the money. Is it greedy that I just want to hold a baby of my own?? I'm sorry my son passed away from SIDS.. I can't change that. Very few people that even know me can actually relate to the loss I feel without my baby... If you remotely feel that I have one greedy bone in my body because of this,
I don't need or want you in my life.  I am saving the money with or without help!! It's just taking longer without the compassion or empathy from people.  

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Baby - After SIDS loss - Please help me

I don't typically ask for "hand outs" but I feel this is different. I need help... I need a void in my heart partially healed and this is the only way I can even think to ask for help. I hate asking.

I have a healthy 7 year old son who always wanted a baby brother. 4 years ago, I had my second son Maxxton. Life was good. 

My, now ex husband talked me into getting my tubes tied. He had other kids from a previous marriage. I had my two boys and life was going well. 

Maxxton was 6 1/2 weeks old when he passed away from SIDS. I have regretted getting my tubes tied the whole time, but thought there was nothing I could do about it and that I would just live with the fact I couldn't have another baby. 

My son asks me all the time why I can't have another child, but I have no answers. My heart feels like pieces are missing. Which they are, I know I will never get all the pieces back but I know I can love and take care of a baby again. There's nothing I wouldn't do in order to add to my little family again.

I have been saving every last thing I possibly can. We have sold un-needed items from our house. Pretty much trying to get the last bit that we can.  We would like to have the surgery done in April but are a little under $5k short. 

I'd do anything to be able to hold a baby of my own again. I am missing something in life and I know this has a lot to do with it. 

I appreciate any and all help I can get right now. 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Two years ago tonight, was the last night I got to tuck my sweet baby into bed. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you Maxxton. I feel like everyone forgets that I deal with this on a daily basis. It's hard to fake a smile or laugh when most the time I feel like crying and hiding from reality. I can't even communicate it to my own husband how I feel. It wouldn't matter anyways, he wouldn't notice the pain or hurt in my heart. I miss you Maxxton. You are and always will be my baby. Maxxton Ryker Lynn Madill 06/10/10-07/25/10

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Raising Money

Raising money is a lot harder than I anticipated. My plan was to have the foundation up and running smoothly by this time. But I am into this all out of pocket with no help so far and a long list of people wanting journals. I want to help people so bad but I can't hurt my family financially by doing so.

I am stuck on what to do? Do I move forward and keep pushing or throw in the towel and call it a loss?

I need some kind of reassurance I guess?

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Positive Journeys

So much has happened in my life since the loss of my baby Maxxton. I am working on a positive journey for the future and being able to help others thru our losses together.

I started the Maxxton Foundation AKA "I'm With You". With this I am providing custom journals to parents of an angel. In order to keep this going, I have different items I am selling to raise the money. Some hand made, some made in bulk.

I just want to feel comfort and I have found that in helping others feel comfort. <3

like my Facebook page: "I'm With You" or check out the WebStore

Thank you everyone for your continued support!




Saturday, October 22, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011

Why My Mommy Lies

Ask My Mom How She Is 
 My Mom, she tells a lot of lies  
She never did before  
But from now until she dies  
She'll tell a whole lot more  
Ask My mom how she is  
And because she cant explain  
She will tell a little lie  
Because she cant describe the pain 
  Ask My Mom how she is  
She'll say 'I'm Alright'  
If that's the truth then tell me  
Why does she cry each night?  
Ask My Mom how she is 
  She seems to cope so well  
She didnt have a choice you see  
Nor the strength to yell 
  Ask My Mom how she is  
'I'm fine. I'm well, I'm coping'  
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth  
Just say your heart is broken  
She'll love me all her life  
I loved her all mine  
But if you ask her how she is  
She'll lie and say she's fine 
  I am here in Heaven  
I cannot hug from here  
If she lies to you DON't listen  
Hug her and hold her near  
On the day we meet again 
We'll smile and I'll be bold I'll say, ' You're lucky to get in here Mom,  
With all the lies you told!'