I miss you Maxxton

I love you Maxxton. I wish I could hold you and hear your cute voice!

Why My Mommy Lies

Ask My Mom How She Is 
 My Mom, she tells a lot of lies  
She never did before  
But from now until she dies  
She'll tell a whole lot more  
Ask My mom how she is  
And because she cant explain  
She will tell a little lie  
Because she cant describe the pain 
  Ask My Mom how she is  
She'll say 'I'm Alright'  
If that's the truth then tell me  
Why does she cry each night?  
Ask My Mom how she is 
  She seems to cope so well  
She didnt have a choice you see  
Nor the strength to yell 
  Ask My Mom how she is  
'I'm fine. I'm well, I'm coping'  
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth  
Just say your heart is broken  
She'll love me all her life  
I loved her all mine  
But if you ask her how she is  
She'll lie and say she's fine 
  I am here in Heaven  
I cannot hug from here  
If she lies to you DON't listen  
Hug her and hold her near  
On the day we meet again 
We'll smile and I'll be bold I'll say, ' You're lucky to get in here Mom,  
With all the lies you told!'

Distance

"The distance between joy and pain can be measured by one heartbeat" ~Unknown~

 

I miss you so much Maxx!

Thank you!! Shauna & Lindsay

Lindsay made this beautiful cloud for Maxxton's bday! 

Shauna sent me this for Maxx :-)

Maxxton's Balloon

Thank you Shauna for thinking of my angel!

Guilt is my punishment

Maxxton is 11 months old today. I wish I could kiss his cute lil cheeks. I can't help but feel extremely guilty for him not being here. The more time passes, the more "What ifs" I can think of. I am his mother. I was supposed to protect him. I wasn't supposed to fall asleep in the front room. I know if we would have just stayed at the lake that night, Maxx would still be here. I know this for sure. There are reasons I know this that I have never told anyone because it kills me thinking about it and the images of him that morning are burnt in my mind. It's torture. I feel like I deserve this torture for not being in the room with him. What if he was crying for hours and I was to exhausted to hear his cries in the middle of the night. This pain and guilt is my punishment for not being there for my baby. It's my constant reminder that he lived perfectly healthy for 6 1/2 weeks.

Babies at Breakfast

Yesterday was my birthday so my dad and stepmom came to visit. This morning we all went to breakfast. Me, Raxton, Jason, my Dad and step mom. 

Accross from us was a little baby about Maxxton's size when he passed away. The baby was making his little noises like Maxxton had just started to do. 

I want to be happy for people with their new little babies all around, but deep down I just want to trip them as they walk by. I hate this angry feeling I have inside. Everyone deserves to be so happy with their new babies. But why did I deserve to have mine taken from me? My perfectly healthy 6.5 week old baby - just ripped from life. 

My life will never be the same. I don't even know who I am anymore. How does Raxton handle it logically better than I do and I am the adult. It's just messed up.