Guilt is my punishment

Maxxton is 11 months old today. I wish I could kiss his cute lil cheeks. I can't help but feel extremely guilty for him not being here. The more time passes, the more "What ifs" I can think of. I am his mother. I was supposed to protect him. I wasn't supposed to fall asleep in the front room. I know if we would have just stayed at the lake that night, Maxx would still be here. I know this for sure. There are reasons I know this that I have never told anyone because it kills me thinking about it and the images of him that morning are burnt in my mind. It's torture. I feel like I deserve this torture for not being in the room with him. What if he was crying for hours and I was to exhausted to hear his cries in the middle of the night. This pain and guilt is my punishment for not being there for my baby. It's my constant reminder that he lived perfectly healthy for 6 1/2 weeks.