The Guilt of Grieving

A pleasant meal, a lovely night out,
Then today I am wracked with guilt don’t you see,
How can I smile or laugh with friends?
When my baby is not where she ought to be.
A TV show makes me giggle,
Then laugh out loud and smile,
Then the guilt… how can I be laughing,
How could I forget, even for a while.
I look at my son in passing, I’m proud,
He smiles to me as if to say,
It is ok to have fun now Mum,
Please don’t feel guilty today.
My partner beside me sees my tears fall,
He knows that I feel guilty I stayed,
That she is not now here with us,
Curled up on this sofa today.
My daughter strokes my hand,
Looks into my eyes and declares,
Mum we would have been lost without you,
Then guilt that I gave them such a scare,
This guilt it will be ever present,
Why her? And almost but then not me,
This guilt is it a part now of loving her?
Guilt that this is not how it was supposed to be,
So guilt I will feel for always now,
That it was my baby that had to die,
Guilt that it wasn’t me instead,
Who grew my Angel wings to fly.
Guilt that I can laugh and joke,
When my Angel is not here anymore,
That I can still summon a smile,
When my baby, the one I longed for,
Has her angel wings in heaven above,
Guilt that I am not with her up there,
Then guilt that I would think to leave my others,
This guilt is just so hard to compare.
I guess then this guilt I carry, the guilt of grieving,
Will be with me now forever and a day,
So I will have to learn to live along side it,
This guilt that I got to stay.

Christine Bevington 2011